I’m so tired and weak I didn’t think I would be this tired. I can feel the boys cold coming on and I’m praying It doesn’t get bad. That was the doctors fear was I would catch something when my counts are so low and it will turn bad on me quickly. It is frustrating to me because I want so badly to go back to my normal life. I’m trying to fake it until I make it for now. I ran errands, attened play group took Luke to the Doctors & had the car looked at. The nice part of today was I didn’t have to get radiated or poked or proded. It was amazing! I’m so looking forward to the day I wake up and truly feel normal again. There is joy in the smallest things like just feeling normal. Maybe Tyler & Adam’s Christmas wish will come true and Santa will make me better for my present.
All Done????
YEAY!!!!!! Radiation is over and I only had to throw up on the last day. I guess I got out of there just in the nick of time. I have a nice burn on my skin that feels like a bad sunburn. I also have a nice cold thanks to all the wonderful little munchkins that have been sharing their sweet germs with me. I have surgery to remove the port scheduled for next week – then we will start healing.
I’m so happy and thrilled that the treatment process it finally over. Thank you to all for being there for me through this. I love you!!!
BIG DAY!!!!
Tomorrow is my last day of radiation!!! Can you believe it? I am still slapping myself in disbelief that this day has arrived. The road seemed so unattainable at times. What a journey this has been. I know this is the end of a long road of treatments and the new start in recovering. It is quite mind boggling to think that they kill your body hoping to kill the cancer first before they kill you. I feel like I’m a walking zombie, but at least I’m alive!!! I’m so happy to finally be at the finish line. What an amazing thing that is. To be totally honest, I’m scared in the back of my head that it isn’t over. I feel horribly guilty but I do worry that I will go in and they will find something and tell me it’s not quite over. I feel so strange feeling that. I thought I would be so overwhelmed with joy, but I feel cautiously optimistic. This could be due to the fact that I’m still so tired and burned and weak from the treatments that I don’t feel like it is the end tomorrow. I’m surprised by my feelings, but they are what they are. I’m so filled with emotions that maybe tomorrow or the next day it will truly sink in that this is over. Life is so precious and short and I’m so blessed to be alive. I’m so honored and humbled by this experience and how much it has made me grow.
Team Lymphomania
The 10K has been accomplished!!! I found so many parallels during the marathon with my journey through cancer. As I watched some take on the run at full speed I remember that is how I felt at the beginning when I found out I had cancer. I wanted to beat this at full force. While I watched others give everything they had to pull to the end, even though they were sore, hurting, nauseous from the experience, and swearing they would never again do this. I too feel this way about chemo. It took everything and more to pull through it. I felt every pain and sickness this world had to throw at me. While I watched some who were feeling so triumphant for accomplishing this marathon – I too feel triumphant to have beaten cancer. I saw others walk back after finishing the race to help others make it. Some just walked with us to give us company. This was one of the most moving of the things I watched. When there is nothing in the world you think you can do for someone who is suffering, the one thing you can always offer is company and just being there for them through there own personal trial. It was the most amazing and wonderful gesture of love. Watching so many people run a marathon who would never normally even walk a mile to show their love for me was so moving. I watched a range of feeling and physical elements take place because of this marathon. In some way each person who ran that marathon experienced a part of what my journey has felt like. I’m moved to tears by all the love I felt as I was pushed in a jogging stroller for a 10k marathon. This was the first time I was physically carried though this challenge. I’m so proud and happy that everyone finished and I felt so encompassed by love. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful support group of friends and family that have helped me through my own marathon of life. Team Lymphomania will forever hold a very special place in my heart! Thank you so much for all your love!!!!
Rocky Road
I wish I could say this post was about rocky road ice cream but it’s not. Each day seems to bring me new side effects that seem to make the others seem like a piece of cake. On Sunday they gave my liquid morphine so I could get some relief. The throat pain was so bad I couldn’t drink or eat. Well as you know, pain meds and I don’t mix well together. So I spent the rest of the day throwing up and sick as a dog. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts to throw up when your throat hurts too much to swallow. I was really dehydrated as you can imagine. It was a very rough day yesterday! The OBGYN placed an IUD this morning they hope that will solve the bleeding issue. They took more blood to see if my counts are going up at all. I have a nice little sunburn showing me where they are radiating. I find it amazing that each day I get through I feel like I’ve accomplished a HUGE feat. Some days are much harder then others. I’m surprised by how much I forget the old side effects when I’m faced with new ones. It seems like I just need to take on each new day and deal with only those things I can that day and hope the next day will be better. I guess that is allot like life we can only deal with things we face each and every day. Each day we get a chance to start fresh and hope that it will get better or we can cope with what we face. Life can be like rocky road ice cream it can be delicious or a bit rocky. But in the end I have to say rocky road it is an acquired taste I will soon learn to love. 
